been too passive...

"letting go of my dreams and to live according to others"

for the past merely 2 months, i've been hearing words and stuffs, asking about my decision and plans, well isn't weird that others have been too concerned with me and i am not even bothering to ask myself with such questions. It's my future darn.

yesterday night, we celebrated paskuhan, oh yeah... after which the pageant peeps asked me to go with them, and so i did. hangin' out @ moa. kuya emman asked me about my plans, yet i don't have any, what strucked me is that he said that "buhay mo yan..."

oh yeah, its my damn life, yet i don't have the means to control my own, living in the expectations and wants of my parents, and setting aside my own freedom and decisions. I know for a fact that they have a point for being such, but i can't be the one who they want me to be. Shit, I wasted 3 years of my life thanks to them.

If you would ask others who know me way back in highschool, I am not acting myself right now. I am a person who will do everything for the sake of being one of the top, but now that I am facing one of the recessions in my life, the deepest i guess, I am not doing anything. Too relaxed and contented.

"Wake Up!" if only i could tell it to myself.. but sigh, its as if i am too afraid not to make another mistake again. its my life i am wasting for cryin' out loud..

I can no longer aim for my dreams. My parents decided back to continue the punishment they are trying to give me for years... with this, am i making another mistake of my life? why can't i focus myself to be the one they want me to be, i can and i sort of want to be an accountant but the means of being one is out of my reach.

I've been too passive about a life-changing problem... T_T

detached to a wasted reality

"its like killing my own self every second... watching my own blood.. and standing still as if I am not wounded."


If there would be a part of my life wherein I need someone to hold on to, to be courageous enough to stand still, and to adjust my whole life... that would be now. I am not a perfect person who can live up to my own will, and sad to say, this is not one of my plans, i have no "Plan B" for such.

Expecting help from those who expected my help is not possible, in fact there are those who even took for granted the situation I am on, playing jokes on me, but silly me, I even laugh at my own mistakes.

Every factors why I strive to live seemed to turn back against me. Got detached with my bestfriend though temporarily, a big family gap is currently arising, She almost left me alone without notice... Its like living in a sea of the unknown.

I am an extrovert person, still imature and independent to others around me. Now, when I needed all of them, it seems that its really a Solitary Battlefield. I needed to back my own self up to survive, to bring back those whom I needed to be with.

My parents did set me free and there would be a time that I will be free with no strings attached from my parents. With what happened to me recently, there's a big gap that weakens me, also with the fact that I am sort of detached with my closest friends for some time now due to some factors.

I am currently in an ocean of the unknown, floating in the skies of uncertainty, living my life as if I am in a wasted reality.


I have to go on, find a way to succeed.. there's only a few steps remaining in this chapter.. hang on to the right path. (sigh)




(continued 11.25.08)

I am really bothered, that instead of going to class, i rather think alone and have a plan, or if I'm in class, i'll still be thinking of the same thing... I may never reach my dreams as I expected to happen. my parents are still pushing me for the same thing, the same reason of my defeat. I keep on telling them that i'll be the wasted person I am today if they'll be the same wasted parents I have, for they are the one who guides me. (shocks)

Everyone expects me to have a plan by this time, but luckily, i don't have any. I am still floating... So if one asks me about my plans, shit, I am having a hard time reasoning and explaining why I am in such situation. I thought I can be this, I thought I can do this, but in the end, I can't do what I want to do.

I wanted to pursue what I want, but I would always end up following others, and end up a loser, defeated against the world, and defeated against my own self.

Pressure vs Frustration = Foul Play!

will i ever regret if someone took this calculator and lead me to beato angelico?


PRESSURES vs. FRUSTRATION

these two words represent 2 most important thing for me as of the moment... only few knows what happened lately.

pressures lead me to frustration, but as i am closer to my frustrations in life, i can't detach myself from all the pressures i had.

i may have said that i haven't dreamed myself as an accountant, but studying other than accounting? i think i would definitely miss that. i see myself in the field of arts, but studying arts, i don't think so.

i may be the weirdest person in earth to have such problem, but i am.

so here's a scoop of what happened lately, its a first for me to fail a subject. its something i can't control then for pressures are really striking me not to study. Why does I is in FAILURE? got this from kyle, and shit.. I am the reason why i failed that subject, though my parents are pushing that my extra-curriculars are the reason. This is the result of not studying, not having interest to studying, not having hopes in this field i am on.

the fear of higher accounting made me lose everything. frustrations arise and lead to a foul play. i took that subject and just flunked it with no effort and interest.

i've been talking to almost everyone who knows my problem, and they have different opinions and perspectives. Its a sign for me to shift... its a way to wake me to study hard in accounting... and other comments to take note.

if others whom i know flunked higher accounting subjects, and even got debarred, what more can i do by the time i got there? its stupid to think about it and make myself in fear... i played FOUL, to really end up relaxed and let my own grades fall down and i somewhat regret for not fighting fair. this is not me.. not me.

i know that i failed the hopes of my closest friends, their hopes which gave me the strength during my dark days... i failed them as well.



I NEED HELP! to be able to decide and act quickly for time is really running out... and finally regret that someone took my calculator.


pressure and frustration is how i relate accountancy vs. the field i really wanted to pursue.

18 Pressures

"don't just study to pass, study to learn as well. Don't just aim to get a good grade but aim to simply do your best; remember, YOUR GRADES WON'T DEFINE WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT KIND OF A PERSON YOU ARE.

You are greater than your fears, so stay tough and don't give up yet. Also always bear in mind that there are some things that we don't have to think about, but rather to pray for."

- a text message from Dennis Alfonso :P


well, true enough..

rather than thinking of how to celebrate an occassion, might as well treat it as an ordinary day to learn from tons of my mistakes. A year full of rapid changes, a year of problems and challenges that leads to another chapter that is still uncertain.

i just realized that i've been thinking much about my grades, the grades per se and not how to gain knowledge from what i've been taking up. its like, i've been studying and going to school for the sake of using the tuition fee that i paid to take Accountancy.

though my friends and my extra-curricular stuffs puts meaning to my stay in this college, yet, the real purpose is missing, the real training to be an accountant. having an ARKI lanyard is an excuse, dreaming to be an architect, using my own skills to achieve my dreams.

i never realized myself computing numbers in the first place, i aspired to be someone in front of a drawing table, or flying to other countries, or directing my own movie, or even having my own photo gallery.

ok, i grabbed the fate to be an accountant, but my heart is still adjusting to such, and in UST-AMV, i guess adjusting needs to be very fast-paced, no time must be wasted, but i'm wasting my time still thinking about such, wasting chances to uplift my grades.

i will not deny that i made myself a candidate for debarment, and i don't know what would happen to me if ever. (knocks on wood) i just hope that i could make a way to finish things the way it supposed to be, though delayed.. like justin hebreo said earlier "lahat naman makakagraduate, hindi nga lang sabay-sabay.. sabay ka na sakin" shit. haha!



well, the pressure is in me, to survive in this battlefield and remain standing amidst all challenges and fears...

i have to be strong.. to conquer this battle. for my friends, to the whole a8 kada, my ASC family, my a10 classmates, my highschool friends, and to everybody else who are there and witnessed a part of me.

GAMBATTE!!

in the midst of the cold night

I think you can do much better than me
After all the lies that I made you believe
Guilt kicks in then I start to see
The edge of the bed where your nightgown used to be

I told myself I won't miss you
But I remember
What it feels like beside you

I really miss your hair in my face and the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me

While looking through your old box of notes
I found those pictures I took that you were looking for
If there's one memory I don't wanna lose
That time at the mall
You and me in the dressing room

I told myself I won't miss you
But I remember
What it feels like beside you

I really miss your hair in my face and the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me

The bed I'm laying in is getting colder
Wish you never would have said it's over
And I can't pretend I won't think about you when I'm older
'Cause we never really had our closure.
This can't be the end
End

I really miss your hair in my face and the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me


Better than me - Hinder


-----------------------------------------

I don't know what happened then, the blame is probably is on me. Its hard to be in such, had nothing to do and don't know how to get back.

The night is getting colder, and the problems even gets things worse. No closure perhaps, I'm still hoping and she's always been there. No problem as it seems, but there would always be that barrier.

I know I haven't done anything right... Just popped out of my mind in the midst of a long cold night.

coping with uncertainties

Life, as it goes on, gives answers to my problems... happy? not much, for it still leaves some unanswered and even more complicated.

How can I ever fight the someone if destiny won't allow me to. Its a matter of right choice - sir rey barrera (organizational behavior), every decision counts and it is up to me to decide and to make a plan.

Giving up is the worst thing that could happen to me, I am already here in this place wherein I can experience the scene that I just dream of months ago, yet my mind says not to. Even other friends said to stop this stuff. Maybe you, readers, are confused with what I'm talking about..

She's too uncertain.. its like catching up to the star that is impossible to hold, I can see and be with her but I could never have that unique tie with her. I guess there would come the time that I'd forget what I am fighting for. I just hope that I could change and act quickly.

Its my fault, yes. My priorities are divided. I hope that my friends understand what I am into. Being in separate universities and irregular sessions in AMVCoA, plus responsibilities and duties makes it hard for me to adjust.

Earlier, I felt floating. (hearty rejean and step-dad andie saw me unwell) I don't know, maybe the sense of belongingness is still missing. Yet I already found it in my friends in the previous 2A8 and in the Council. Maybe I just miss them, used to being with them given that we bonded merely a year.

The Council helps me to be responsible and encourages me to study, having friends and new colleagues plus the passion in the arts, fun experiences and the duty to serve makes me whole, Thanks to them. I just hope that everything would be ok and great.

I just hope that I can forget about these uncertainties and issues and start working to build the path for my future. The doubt regarding Accountancy strikes back. Waah!!

Integrity, Solidarity and Service

its the theme of the SULO Accountancy Leadership and Teambuilding Seminar.. it doesn't just end with that.

I have just experienced the mere feeling of incorporating those three in my 'ol dull life. (don't worry this isn't a reaction paper) I just can't get over what i have experienced.

The first day was a very inspiring, hearing the talk of the former CSC President Reyner Villaseñor.. "when you choose to be neutral in times of injustice, you chose the side of the oppressor." when an elephant is stepping on the mouse's tail and you choose not to do anything about it, the mouse will not appreciate it." (ate anj's version) Being neutral, which i sometimes opt to be, is not a resort to be safe, rather its taking side with the oppressor..


Leading is different from Serving...

most often we prefer being the leader, but sometimes we forget the part of service in leadership.

The second day is a blast!. It was really tiring being the facilitator for the Amazing Race, (jealous that i wasn't able to play) it was fun to see them all run around the fields of Caliraya. The Team EC really did great, if not for everyone that wouldn't be that successful (in spite of some issues) anyways.. haha!

During the last day, Ma'am Beth imparted tons of life's lessons that we have to live with.. after which, a shocking announcement was made, and i myself had been hearing these stuffs since then, i've been hoping that it wouldn't come this far. Although i am prepared to fight for Ate Diane Querrer, but she chose to accept her consequences.. The true spirit of Service over Leading, the true integrity that she manifested that day. I am very proud of you!

I have found new friends in just a few weeks, my friends and colleagues.. with the same passion, interests and wavelengths. haha! I am really proud of you guys! I am really grateful to be part of the Executive Coordinators with our Exec. Board as our guide.. I hope that we would enjoy the coming year and know each other more. ^_^





Give me an "E"!.. Give me a "C"!.. What do we get? "EC"!
GO TEAM EC!