detached to a wasted reality

"its like killing my own self every second... watching my own blood.. and standing still as if I am not wounded."


If there would be a part of my life wherein I need someone to hold on to, to be courageous enough to stand still, and to adjust my whole life... that would be now. I am not a perfect person who can live up to my own will, and sad to say, this is not one of my plans, i have no "Plan B" for such.

Expecting help from those who expected my help is not possible, in fact there are those who even took for granted the situation I am on, playing jokes on me, but silly me, I even laugh at my own mistakes.

Every factors why I strive to live seemed to turn back against me. Got detached with my bestfriend though temporarily, a big family gap is currently arising, She almost left me alone without notice... Its like living in a sea of the unknown.

I am an extrovert person, still imature and independent to others around me. Now, when I needed all of them, it seems that its really a Solitary Battlefield. I needed to back my own self up to survive, to bring back those whom I needed to be with.

My parents did set me free and there would be a time that I will be free with no strings attached from my parents. With what happened to me recently, there's a big gap that weakens me, also with the fact that I am sort of detached with my closest friends for some time now due to some factors.

I am currently in an ocean of the unknown, floating in the skies of uncertainty, living my life as if I am in a wasted reality.


I have to go on, find a way to succeed.. there's only a few steps remaining in this chapter.. hang on to the right path. (sigh)




(continued 11.25.08)

I am really bothered, that instead of going to class, i rather think alone and have a plan, or if I'm in class, i'll still be thinking of the same thing... I may never reach my dreams as I expected to happen. my parents are still pushing me for the same thing, the same reason of my defeat. I keep on telling them that i'll be the wasted person I am today if they'll be the same wasted parents I have, for they are the one who guides me. (shocks)

Everyone expects me to have a plan by this time, but luckily, i don't have any. I am still floating... So if one asks me about my plans, shit, I am having a hard time reasoning and explaining why I am in such situation. I thought I can be this, I thought I can do this, but in the end, I can't do what I want to do.

I wanted to pursue what I want, but I would always end up following others, and end up a loser, defeated against the world, and defeated against my own self.